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I just really want to be home alone

Before we moved I used to walk home from school and then spent a couple of hours alone. After we moved that was no longer an option. It didn’t matter how early school ended, I never got any alone-time. Partly because I depend on my parents to get home and partly because at least one of them tends to work from home. It’s the same on weekends, someone is always home. Perhaps not in the house, but on the land. The house is smaller as well, so there is no way to avoid people. Before we moved, I tended to hide away in the basement, that is no longer possible.

Instead I close the door to my room and play loud music in order to not hear the rest of my family. The music has the added bonus of scaring away my mother who can’t stand loud noises. The only thing is that a closed door makes me feel even more trapped, which is the exact thing we are trying to avoid.  

When that is not enough I jump out of my window and hide away somewhere else. That is not really easy either, since there are always people around in some way. There tend to always be someone in the stable, so it’s not really an ideal place to be alone, and the only other building we have is full of crap, and generally unpleasant to be in. Then there is my neighbour who has a stable with lots of horses, and people. But not enough horses and people so you can hide away in the anonymity that is a group. The only place left is the forest, but they have just taken down a lot of it, so it’s no longer possible to sneak out there without people noticing. Also, it’s not fun to be in a forest during the winter. 

There is nowhere to go either, no public place where you can just be one in the mass. The closest place open for the public, where you can sit down and spend some time is the church. I don’t like religious tinks, and yet I have gone to church multiple times to be left alone. Often under the pretense of taking pictures, or just going biking. 

When I have felt the most trapped I have contemplated just running away to Gothenburg and telling my parents when I have already arrived. The biggest reason why I have not done this, is not for my parents sake, it’s because we life so fucking rural that there is no buses during the weekend, and the closest place to catch a bus is like 5 km away. It’s not like it’s easy to sneak all that way without anyone noticing you’re gone.

Often I just dream about going to Göteborgs Konstmuseum and staring at my favorite painting for some time. Or spontaneously visiting my best friend, the only person that I have no trouble spending all my time with. Or I want to sit in the library, blissfully lost in the mass of people. But most often I just want to walk in the city, all by myself.    

On the topic of disappearing, my record is like four hours, it was during spring/summer, and I spent one hour in the forest and then sneaked back and hid in the attic. Our attic is not a nice place. It’s cold and dirty. After those hours I felt kind of better and came forward again.    

I can count on my hand the last few times I got time for myself, it was a couple of hours on a Sunday recently, and then a little time alone during the summer. Not enough! 

Between 7 and -9 grade I felt pretty bad, most of it had to do with the school I was at, the environment wasn’t for me. But I can’t help to think that living where I do, and not having time for myself had a part of it too. Whenever I feel down today, it’s because those factors.    

It’s not like I even want the alone-time to do anything special, or bad. I just don’t want to have public when I go riding for the first time in months. I want to be alone when I finish that long project so I can evaluate if I liked it alone. I don’t want an audience when taking self timed photos of me, I feel stupid enough alone. But most of all, I just don’t want to be around people.    

Now I’m going to lie down on my floor, feel sorry for myself and possibly cry a little. But most of all, I’m going to dream about a time when I don’t have to be around my family all the time. After that I might jump out of my window again.

The history of me reading

It all started before I was born… No seriously, studies say that a child growing up with parents that like reading, are more likely to develop the interest themselves. My parents were big readers, so I picked up the habit myself. 

I, like most children learnt to read in school, and then it became my biggest passion. The first books I remember reading were these really popular books about fairies. There was always a seven part series, and the story would repeat itself over and over again, but with different kinds of fairies. 

Then came second-grade. The year was 2010, I was eight years old and every one was still talking about Harry Potter, mostly the movies. Like every child at that age, I wanted to watch the Harry Potter movies, but my dad said that I had to read the books first. Unfair, I thought, but fine. And so it began, I started reading the first one and I took it with me everywhere. I still have clear memories of dragging the fifth one with me to school everyday. That book is a thousand pages and for eight year old me, it weighed a ton. Still, thanks to my dedication it took me less than a year to finish them all. 

By then I was hooked, I was reading everything that I got my hands on. My father and I used to go to our local library every third week and fill at least one big Desigual bag with books. It didn’t take long for me to move from the children part of the library to the young adult part. Not long after, I was reading real adult novels. 

Reading wasn’t really popular in my class, it was basically me and three other kids that liked it. Only one of them read as much as me. We bonded over our shared love for literature and favorite books sometime around 2012. Together we would read and discuss all kinds of slightly inappropriate books. We were after all still just ten and reading fiction meant for adults. To this day she is still my best friend, and we still talk a lot about books, but we do now also have other connecting interest.

Around 2014 I, at one time, got really, really bored and spent too much time on the floor in our basement staring at the literal wall of books we had there, trying to find something to read. That’s when I noticed the Game of Thrones. We only had them in English, and I still couldn’t read in that language, so I had my dad buy them in Swedish for me. My father is a nice, chill guy that basically has allowed me to do whatever I want too, for as long as I have been alive. So he didn’t consider that perhaps those books was a bit to brutal for a twelve year old. Still, I liked them.

In 2015 I could finally read good enough in English to understand a book, so what did I read? I read Harry Potter fanfiction. I toned down on actual paper books and started reading online, mostly Harry Potter, but also other fandoms. And let me tell you, fanfiction can be just as good, or better, than regular fiction. 

In early 2018 I started reading actual books again, mostly thanks to my awful Swedish teacher. At least something great came out of my ninth grade Swedish class. Nowadays I read a mix of fantasy and books considered classics. I prefer reading in English, mostly because I often read things written by English authors and the original version is better than the translated one. I’m looking forward to the day that I can read in French. I’m actively avoiding French authors until I can read the original piece.        

Disclaimer: My mother is innocent in all of this, she had little knowledge of what I was reading, and Game of Thrones wasn’t popular when I started it, ergo, she had no idea it was bad. And library day was with dad. He should be blamed for it all.

The five steps of coming to terms with one’s disability

Step 1: Realise that you’re different and actually get a diagnosis

  (Or just get a self-diagnose, both are valid, I knew that I was autistic before it was official.)

This is perhaps the easiest and most difficult step. It took me three years to realise that something was wrong* with me. It was three really bad years that I spent feeling like shit and not understanding why. When I finally realised that I was autistic it came as a relief. It wasn’t me that was wrong. I was just different and in an environment that was bad for me. It then took me a year to officially get my diagnosis, but it only took me half a year to change my environment for the better.         

Step 2: I’m autistic but I’m not autisticTM

So I realised that I was autistic, but I also realised that I was nothing like Raymond in Rain Man. Or Christopher Boone in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Or Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory and the list goes on like that. They are all white men that is completely socially inept and don’t care about others and that, that’s not me All the autism moms and Autism Speaks doesn’t help. I was nothing like the media portrays us and I didn’t know how to deal with that.   

Step 3: Realising that you are in fact autistic and that there is nothing wrong with that, and that autisticTM  is just how the media portrays us, but still don’t talk about it.

It took me a while to realise that not just I felt like the media portrayed us wrong, and that I was in fact normal autistic. Tumblr was a great help with this, being able to connect and read about the experiences of other persons on the spectrum in an easy way, was great for me. Still, I didn’t talk with any one new about my diagnosis, I didn’t want to be associated with the media portrayal.   

Step 4: Be angry about autisticTM and decide to do something about it.

The fourth step is my favorite, it’s what made me start this blog. I don’t like that neurotypical people are the ones telling the stories of autistic people, it should be us. So I decided to do something about it and started writing.   

Step 5: Be completely confident about yourself and your diagnosis and live your best life.    

I’m not here yet, but I’m getting there. I’m happy about where I’m at, but there is always room for improvement. I still have some things to fix, and some hangups to get over, and I still don’t really speak about autism, but then again, I have never been great at sharing my personal life with anyone. Over all, I’m currently feeling great and it feels damn good.

* My mother thinks that I should changes wrong to something else, but I honestly thought that something was wrong with me, that I was sick or something like that so I will not change it.I don’t think that autism is wrong.

What I did during the break; Or what happens when I have to much free time

Monday

This was a fun day, I had two goals and failed at both, but I succeeded in other ways. The first thing I did that day was grocery shopping with my father. I mostly joined in other to buy makeup remover and dry shampoo. The store had neither*. I got sad and bought apples instead, with the intent to bake an apple pie at a later.

 My other project of the day was to organize the three disorganized drawers/shelves in my closet. The drawers went fine, but then came the shelve from hell. Instead of taking it on I cleaned out and organized the hallway clothes hanger and the first wardrobe. No one had done that in ages, and I managed to fill a bag worth of clothes to get rid of. My favorite part was the mittens that fit a infant and the scarf my father had no idée he owned. Also the fact that I now have my very own drawer and don’t have to share with my brother. 

You would not believe how this place looked before I got my hands on it

Tuesday

Me, my father and my brother went to a museum. Our original plan was to go to the museum of the sea, Sjöfartsmuseet, but it turned out that they were renovating and it was closed. Then we thought,” let’s go to the city museum, Stadsmuseet. But it’s hell to park there so we ended up close to Maritiman and went there instead. In the end it was probably a good choice, I don’t think that my brother would have enjoyed Stadsmuseet. Also Maritiman is the best museum in the city, you get to climb around in an old warship and a submarine, they have other boats to but they aren’t as big or as much fun. 

Boats♥

In the afternoon I was planning to continue with the wardrobe clean-out but mom wouldn’t let me. I think that she was afraid to get more than one bag of clear out clothes to take care of. Instead I finally tackled my shelf from hell. The shelf turned out pretty well, but I now have a dress in my pants drawer because it doesn’t fit anywhere else, so I’m going to have to fix that.  

In the evening we went to the local galleria wear I finally could by dry shampoo and makeup remover. Also bought hair-ties and hair rollers. Then went home and tried to roll my hair, it did not go well so no pictures.                     

Wednesday 

I started watching Interior Design Masters on netflix while doing some studying. Then I realised that I was spending all of the daylight indoors and that was bad. So my plan was to take some outfit pictures with the family camera, only it was out of battery. So I texte dad to ask him wear the chargers was and he said that we apparently had some spare batteries upstairs. Afters some searching I finally found them and put them in, only for it to turn out that they too was out of energy. My dad no longer has responsibility over the batteries. In the end the pictures was taken and I got all the camera equipment in my room.

In the afternoon I watched the rest of Interior Design Masters, sadly my favorit did not win. I also finished the english homework that wasn’t actually necessary to finish and I still hadn’t started on school work that would have been good to do.

Thursday 

 Wrote some, and felt sorry for my shelf. Also played video games.

Friday 

Woke up late again. Then had an honest conversation with my mum about how vacation makes me a mess, apparently she had the same problem growing up. Felt quite nice to know that I wasn’t the only one. Also it solidify my plan to study during the summer, college courses hear I come. The we finally baked the apple pie, and it was delicious. Also wrote some.

Look at this beauty 

Saturday 

Made myself wake up early, no one else did. When the clock tournd 10.30 I started getting worried, but I had a cat in my lap and I want that worried. The family finally got up shortly after. Also, finished cleaning my room. Changed the sheets and it is now finally vacuumed. Normally it happens more often, but I thought that my father was going to do it way before I got sick and he just changed his mind and didn’t tell me. Who does that?? How was I supposed to now that? I didn’t realized it until it was too late and I was already sick.   

Sunday 

Drove our mini tractor in our paddock in  order to evening out, it took a long time but I got to listen to music at the same time so I was fine. Finally started studying, even though it wasn’t until the afternoon. Still, got a lot of studying done that day. Then, in the evening, I went to my grandmother and spent the night there. That meant that I could go up 45 minutes later and still be on time on Monday  

*In order to be fair to Citygross I feel like I ought to mention that they do in fact have makeup removing wipes but I was looking for the liquid kind.      

Books of October

The Falcon Throne

Karen Miller

This was not a good book. It was a lot like Game of Thrones. A lot of intrigues and back stabbing, also a lot of treating women badly. The biggest difference is that, after the mistreatment, the woman gets to tell us why the thing that just happened to her was bad. I feel like it would have been easier if they just weren’t mistreated in the first place. When writing a fantasy novel you get to choose everything in the story, there is no reason to be so misogynist. I don’t understand why Miller chose to have the age of consent for marriage at just 14 years, that is kind of pedofilic. At least, that didn’t actually happen in the story, a small blessing.  

Also, it is a bit old and boring to read about a man that feels betrayed by his family, when in reality he is just a big bigoted asshole. The family was well within right to exclude him.       

Seeker

Veronica Rossi

This one was not as funny as the first one, and that’s a shame considering the humor was the only thing that made the first book good. The reason this book wasn’t as funny as the first one, was that it was split between two point of views. We still get Gideons p o v and he is still hilarious. But we also have to read from Daryns p o v and she is just boring.

The book also suffers from having an extremely boring and slightly confusing plot. I think that the main problem is that the book feels a bit rushed, and therefore a bit unnecessary Rossi could easily had made the first book a standalone, there was no need for a lackluster sequel.

Changes

Jim Butcher 

This book gave me somewhat of an identity crisis, when I realised that I started reading this series five years ago. For some reason I kind of took a break after the last book. So it had been about a year since I last read something by Butcher, and let me tell you, I didn’t realise how much I had missed him. Harry Dresden is one of the most dramatic and sarcastic book characters ever, and it makes for an entertaining read. I was a bit unsure before starting, because of Susan Reapers. Of all the side characters she is the only one I don’t like, but it all worked out in the end. 

The endings cliffhanger didn’t surprise me, because I had accidentally spoiled it to myself ages ago. Still, it was annoying that Harry and Murphy didn’t get to hook up. I’m looking forward to see how things get resolved in the next book. This time I’m not going to wait a year to read the next book .       

From Unseen Fire

Cass Morris 

For some reason I had a real hard time getting the hang of the roman names. This made it somewhat hard to enjoy the book, but that was in no way the authors fault. She did, in fact, write a really good book. I loved how historically accurate it was, while still being a fantasy book. I have always loved a book that blends truth and mystery. I would like to know the difference in magic, does it really just depend on the god you worship, and if so, can you change the magic you practice when changing religion? Maybe that will be answered in the next book. What Morris  really excels at; is describing realistic and lively relationships, that you can’t help but love. If I read the next one it would be for the characters, not the plot.

How to look put together when sick and forced to interact with other humans. 

The most important part is to wear clothes that you find comfortable, so start with choosing a pair of nice pants. Now, I’m a bit weird, and actually likes wearing jeans even when sick and that makes looking put together much easier but it isn’t a must. 

For the top; it’s most important to stay warm and cosey. I would wear a oversized sweatshirt. To make it look more stylde, tuck a part of the shirt in the pants. Believe me it makes a lot of a difference. Also if you’re wearing a belt then it’s nice to show it of.

The best and easiest way to look styled is to match the color of your shoe to your top/jacket. I like wearing a boot with room for a big warm knitted sock, since I can’t stand the feeling of walking in knitted socks I wear a pair of regular socks underneath. 

I have the great fortune of owning a pair of matching boots and jacket, those are my go to when feeling down. The most important thing is to choose a warm and comfortable jacket.  

Another tip is to make sure to take a shower before going out, especially to wash your hair. You won’t believe how much better you will feel after showering.            

Another great part of being sick is that I showed up so sporadically that I could were the same outfit for three weeks without feeling like I was repeating outfits. 

The don’ts of dressing while sick.

Don’t try to experiment, you are sick, take it easy.

Don’t wear materials that takes energy to be compatible with. I can wear corduroy, but it takes energy that I don’t have when sick. Always choose fabrics that you can stand to 100%. 

Don’t go out if you are way to sick, like I did. Also don’t care about these advices if you don’t want to. The most important part of getting dressed when sick is to dress in a way that makes you feel better. I feel better when looking put together, so this works great for me.   

The one outfit I wore for three school-weeks, which basically was four days, not in a row.

Why being sick sucks a lot more when you’re autistic

I just had a biology test and it didn’t go as well as I wanted, and I want to blame it all having been sick on and off for three weeks. 

Being sick isn’t good for any one, but it is extra bad if you are autistic. Being sick doesn’t just mean that I miss school, it destroys all of my routines. So beside feeling off because of having a fever I also feel off because I can’t do the things I like when I like to do them. 

For example I like sewing on Friday and Saturday nights, but when ill I can’t do that. Instead I get left with an uncomfortable feeling of incompleteness. Now take that feeling and multiply it with all the things I normally do during a day and add that to the already afulness that is having cold and you end up with what it feels like for me to be sick. 

We could also and on the stress of knowing that there is more and more schoolwork that you have to catch up on for every day that you are sick, and also knowing that you just don’t have the energy to start with it yet.

Thankfully I am now feeling a lot better, although the coughing from the bronchitis hasn’t given up. Yes, beside having a common cold I also got bronchitis, my life has been really fun the last three weeks. It was actually kind of fun the last two days when I was gone because it turns out I get really affected by coughing medicine. I have no idea what happened between 10 and 14 last Wednesday. 

The fact that I have a break next week meant that I felt comfortable writing this instead of studying, I only wish that the biology was after the break and not before it. 

Any way, there should be no reasons for me to not be posting regularly again, so my few followers, you have something to look forward to. I love being back in routine!