Distant Studies: an update and an end

I held a swedish speech, via computer, from my bedroom. It was the weirdest thing ever. I put my computer on a stool on my table in order to get it to a good height and then I just spook out to cyberspace. How odd is my life right now? And despite not seeing my audience I still got nervous, that is not fair. I used to be good at public speaking, we did a lot of it in 7-9 grade, and then we did one speech in the fall of my first year in “high school” that I aced and then we stopped and I got bad at it. You really have to keep doing it regularly in order to stay good.  

We are finally allowed back to school, kind of. It is just for two hours to do tests, and there are a ton of safety regulations. For example, we are supposed to enter through different doors depending on which room you take the test in. Still, it is going to be nice to actually see our teachers, they are equally excited to see us. It is also nice to finally take the tests even tho two hours are an hour less than normally and the tests are going to be way more narrow.

We had an Ester break, I couldn’t really tell the difference. 

One of my French teachers is calling us one to one, to talk about our grades and when it was my turn we had some technical problems. He could not hear me but I could hear him, I think that the main problem was that he insisted on using Hangouts, a google application that I have never used before and never plan to use after that. 

I visit my friend in the city once a week and sometimes it feels like that is the only thing keeping me sane.     

We had an English essay writing test. Aka write a really good and structured essay with well developed arguments and perfect grammar and spelling without the aid of spellchecker (even tho I can not think of any reason that I would ever be without a way to check my spelling in real life) in a ridiculously short time. That shit’s hard. We were to meet up on Meet on our phones before the test started but then I expected him to have a little faith in us. Boy was I wrong. Meet was to be on and facing our screens for the entire time. “Fine” I thought “I can do that, it will be a bit inconvenient, but it can be done”. Then my phones’ battery died. I was forced to relocate to my charger and desperately try to make it work at the last minute, it died again when it was five minutes left, so then I gave up and just turned the test in.      

My biology test went surprisingly fine given that I can not study for things I find boring and therefore spent most of the time leading up to the test wishing that it was chemistry so I could study. About two days before the test, I managed to start repeating. The two hours were way too short, like I had expected, but I probably didn’t fail it.   

I had never thought that I would find riding the bus again as nice as I did. It was almost magical. A Tuesday morning, 7.30. It’s so warm that all you need is a light jacket, the sun is shining and the birds are singing while walking to the bus stop. The horses are out. While waiting the sun warms my face. It is one of the first days of real spring. The air is full of hope, of new beginnings, of life. There in the sun it feels like everything is going to be alright. The dream is briefly shattered when the bus stops and I can’t enter at the front. I take a seat, my favorite. Open a book and put on some good music. Got lost in said book without having to worry about keeping track of the time. By the time we are getting into civilization I read less and less and spent more time looking out of the windows. By the bridge I had completely stopped and watched the harbour instead. Best view of Gothenburg. Met a friend on the tram station. Everything is as it’s supposed to be, everything is different.       

I think that I may have developed an unnatural attachment to a bolder. We are best friends now.

Weirdly I think that this time has been kind of good for me. All of this time spent at home has forced me to come to terms with the fact that I actually have to live here. And while I would much rather live in the city, I no longer feel quite as upset. Part of that is appreciation of all of the space and nature that’s available to me. I have not spent this much time in the forest since I was a kid. I love the concrete jungle, but apparently I have missed an actual forest.  

Part of the appreciation is probably that it doesn’t matter where you live right now, there are no people anywhere. The thing I like most about the sound of human life. Listening to the traffic, people talking and shouting, music and life. And that is rare in the countryside. But now it doesn’t really matter, the city is almost as quiet as here. While I may never be truly happy here, at least I no longer detest it.      

Feverish me has the energy of an old cat, wants to listen to The Phantom of the Opera constantly or watch the first halves of increasingly weird Fallout 4 playthroughs in order to not get all of the game spoiled. What does this have to do with distance studies you ask? It means that my ability to focus is severely limited but I’m still in class, it is ridiculous to call in sick when I’m home any way. In order to combat my foucuslessness I have watched the first season of Skam France and called that school work, I don’t even have French until Wednesday next week. 

We still have  to do the cooper test for PE, I temporarily got out of doing it thanks to being sick. But due to me having an almost compulsory need to be a goody two shoes I told my PE teacher that I would do it as soon as I was feeling fine again. I hate it.  

I have had increasingly vivid dreams during this time, and they are weirder than usual. There was this one time when all of the girls went promdress-shopping à la Pokemon Go. Except we weren’t allowed to get close to each other, something that everyone ignored and just went in large friend groups and called it social distancing because they would not interact with any other friend groups. I was guilty of the same thing except I wasn’t with my normal friend group, I was with one of my other friends, friend-group. I think it was in order to make the climbing up a wall of fabric part of the dream more realistic since I did it with a girl I know climbs. A quick analysis of this: the dream was of fun things that have been cancelled, prom (I had non planned) and climbing. My best dream was when I got a beautiful house for free (at a good location too!) due to the crash of the real estate market, the only catches was the old appliances, my thoughts on it: it doesn’t matter, I have a lot of free time on my hands when I can fix it all myself.

I failed one part of my Swedish speech so badly that my prognose grade is a D even though most of my criterias is at an A level. I now have to do a new one. On a happier note, somehow my Swedish essay (written before the schools closed) got the highest grade. I was seriously unfocused while writing it, so I did not think it would go that good. I didn’t think it would go bad ethier, I just thought that my unfocusness would result in a medium or medium-high grade.

I’m looking forward to putting my school computer away. 

I just had the most extra biology test ever. It was to be taken by computer, starting at one o’clock. But, during the entire test we had to be on Google meet on our phones, with the camera placed at least a meter from the computer, preferably at a height, so that he could watch us during the entire test. I mean, it is nice that my teacher care so much about our credibility but it felt a bit overkill. Any way, the link was supposed to be posted fifteen minutes before the test started, it wasn’t. Five minutes before starting time we get a pim that tells us that the test has been postponed by thirty minutes. The second time it actually starts on time. My teacher teaches two biology classes, and we were both supposed to take the test at the same time, so we were over fifty people in the Meet at the same time. My teacher quickly realised that us having our mikes on was not a good idea. And even with the mics off, getting Meet to work for over fifty people is not an easy feet. During the entire test, the screen would freeze for various people and my teacher would have to call them out. It was in no way a good environment to focus in. But it was truly a wild experience.

I have had two spoken French tests via computer, and both time my mind completely blanked out. Time passed very quickly and I have no idé what I said.  

I can’t believe that it’s soon over. Yesterday I had my last physics test of the year. The same day the class had a small get together in a park to celebrate that the year was ending. And later during the same day we turned in all of our school books. Tomorrow I have my last test of the year, and then I only have a social science paper left. This has truly been an odd year, and I’m not really looking forward to the summer break. I have spent way too much time at home and I’m deadly tired of having to be close to my parents all the time.  

One of the best school related feelings is walking away from school, a sunny summer day, just having finished a test and knowing that it’s all soon done. The sun in my face, the sound of kids playing without a care in the world. The way too warm public transport. It would have been better if I could have shared it with friends, and if I could have had more than just one of these days this year. But I’ll take what I can. 

Last year I thought I had done badly on the national math test and was so upset that I sneaked off the bus, walked to the back of our property where my horse was and sat down next to her and cried. When I thought that I was done I went to the house, but the moment I saw my mother I broke down crying again. In the end the test went good, it just felt like hell. This year I knew for a fact that it had gone badly, and I laughed at it. Is that character development or decline?    

Swedish update, the speech went well and now I’m getting a B. When I told my best friend her comment was “ I could tell that it was important to you, given that you had me read through it like a million times”. She was not very worried and forgot about her speech until the day before, she then wrote the entire thing in a day. In the evening she asked me to read it, but by then I was drunk. Despite all of the unfortunate circumstances, her speech went as well as mine did. Life is unfair.    

So, my math teacher is old. And old school. Which is nice, but he insists on calling us to talk about our grades. Like, an actual phone call. (He also tended to call us during class to check up on us, he’s very sweet). Most teachers just writes us a message and that’s it. I was really hoping that my math teacher would do the same thing. But then the call came. I was playing video games and had a cat in my lap, perfect timing. It started off as I dreaded, he wanted to discuss all of my former tests. I have performed all over the place this year, it wasn’t pleasant to go through it all again. And then came the even more dreaded national test, I got a D. That a shit grade, but I wasn’t surprised. The best part of the talk was when my teacher accused me of being difficult to grade, brought me back to 6’th grade music when my teacher quite frankly told me that I sucked at the musical part but was really good at the theoretical part and therefore difficult to grade. Anyway, somehow I managed to get a C in math, which I’m grateful for, but also a bit baffled. Thank you Jonas, looking forward to doing better next year. 

Overall, this year has been tumultus in many ways. The biggest obviously being the Pandemic. I’d like to thank my parents for not being born a year earlier and having to graduate in the middle of this. I’d like to thank all of my teachers for making the best of a weird situation and still having fun lessons even though we weren’t in the same room. But most of all I’d like to thank myself for somehow getting good grades even though everything was crazy. Somehow the second year is always the hardest, here’s to hoping for a better, nicer and more in school third year.        

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