I just really want to be home alone

Before we moved I used to walk home from school and then spent a couple of hours alone. After we moved that was no longer an option. It didn’t matter how early school ended, I never got any alone-time. Partly because I depend on my parents to get home and partly because at least one of them tends to work from home. It’s the same on weekends, someone is always home. Perhaps not in the house, but on the land. The house is smaller as well, so there is no way to avoid people. Before we moved, I tended to hide away in the basement, that is no longer possible.

Instead I close the door to my room and play loud music in order to not hear the rest of my family. The music has the added bonus of scaring away my mother who can’t stand loud noises. The only thing is that a closed door makes me feel even more trapped, which is the exact thing we are trying to avoid.  

When that is not enough I jump out of my window and hide away somewhere else. That is not really easy either, since there are always people around in some way. There tend to always be someone in the stable, so it’s not really an ideal place to be alone, and the only other building we have is full of crap, and generally unpleasant to be in. Then there is my neighbour who has a stable with lots of horses, and people. But not enough horses and people so you can hide away in the anonymity that is a group. The only place left is the forest, but they have just taken down a lot of it, so it’s no longer possible to sneak out there without people noticing. Also, it’s not fun to be in a forest during the winter. 

There is nowhere to go either, no public place where you can just be one in the mass. The closest place open for the public, where you can sit down and spend some time is the church. I don’t like religious tinks, and yet I have gone to church multiple times to be left alone. Often under the pretense of taking pictures, or just going biking. 

When I have felt the most trapped I have contemplated just running away to Gothenburg and telling my parents when I have already arrived. The biggest reason why I have not done this, is not for my parents sake, it’s because we life so fucking rural that there is no buses during the weekend, and the closest place to catch a bus is like 5 km away. It’s not like it’s easy to sneak all that way without anyone noticing you’re gone.

Often I just dream about going to Göteborgs Konstmuseum and staring at my favorite painting for some time. Or spontaneously visiting my best friend, the only person that I have no trouble spending all my time with. Or I want to sit in the library, blissfully lost in the mass of people. But most often I just want to walk in the city, all by myself.    

On the topic of disappearing, my record is like four hours, it was during spring/summer, and I spent one hour in the forest and then sneaked back and hid in the attic. Our attic is not a nice place. It’s cold and dirty. After those hours I felt kind of better and came forward again.    

I can count on my hand the last few times I got time for myself, it was a couple of hours on a Sunday recently, and then a little time alone during the summer. Not enough! 

Between 7 and -9 grade I felt pretty bad, most of it had to do with the school I was at, the environment wasn’t for me. But I can’t help to think that living where I do, and not having time for myself had a part of it too. Whenever I feel down today, it’s because those factors.    

It’s not like I even want the alone-time to do anything special, or bad. I just don’t want to have public when I go riding for the first time in months. I want to be alone when I finish that long project so I can evaluate if I liked it alone. I don’t want an audience when taking self timed photos of me, I feel stupid enough alone. But most of all, I just don’t want to be around people.    

Now I’m going to lie down on my floor, feel sorry for myself and possibly cry a little. But most of all, I’m going to dream about a time when I don’t have to be around my family all the time. After that I might jump out of my window again.

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